Portland Marathon

It's the day after the Portland Marathon and I am almost back to normal. My quads and calf's scream while walking and sitting. My brain has almost forgiven my body for the 04:02 time. I wanted so badly to make it under 4hrs and there are so many factors that go into why I didn't and so many reasons why I should have. But alas something happened around mile 22 and my legs quit and screamed out the words "no." I can't go back and change what has happen but I can learn from what I have been though. The "if only" continues to sing sweet messages of regret and sorrow in between my cute pink ears. It will only be through letting go that I will see the wonders and joy of the life that I seek out. Running a marathon should be enough for the feet of this body. Knock keened and pigeon toed running should not be my calling. I love the challenge of doing something that once sounded like a gift that only few are born with. Certainly not a gift that I would have ever found within me. As I ran yesterday I saw a sign which read the words "dig deep." Those words alone burrow deep within my chest. I saw the words and drank them down. I read the words and knew that they were written for me. I turned inward and reminded myself of what I needed to do in order to grasp the final few miles that were left under my feet. I'm sure it was only a few minutes before my brain had moved on to the next water stop or to the curiosity of the crampers on the side of the road. But it was a good moment and obviously it made a eventual lasting impression. What I learned on the journey of the Portland marathon is that I am my own worst competitor. I fought against myself and in the end let myself down. That sentence should hold no power. I am only one person but it is amazing how the brain can create structure and then expect the world within the body to life up to the standard. Standers which have not been scientifically proven by me or even given logical thought before trying them on. My brain has a tendency to make decisions while in critical performance mode. These decisions will some how win a vote in my head and then before I know it, it's too late and the road I'm on is too far in the wrong direction. But beautifully enough though writing this down I can see the insanity of it all and perhaps forgiveness within my heart is not the direction I should be going. I don't need to forgive myself for running a marathon. I need to love myself for even wanting to put my body though such torture...I love that love is always the answers and I love that no matter how insane my thinking may get I always come to the final conclusion that I need to love and let go.