Surgery is done...

Surgery went well. It took a couple of hours, no issues there. However, Trey feels pretty sick and is in pain. But I'm sure in a few days he will be feeling much better.

CrankitupNatty 002

life gift

movement energy

close eyes and allow thoughts to sink

why here?

ask body for answers

bring breath into awareness

listen to breath inside body

what does breath tell you?

Liston to words written believe what they say.

sink thoughts

close ears

let traffic mind disappear

move with breath

move in the energy that is the gift

watch with the body not the mind not the eyes

body is vehicle to life. If taking from body soul will leek

give back, flower grows and becomes beautiful

it doesn't take much but it does give everything

stop reading, close eyes, listen to breath, be alive, and kiss the sunshine which lives within.

Fall

Walking into work this morning with a hot coffee in my hand. It's hard to believe fall is here again. My gloves are on with a scarf wrapped snug against my neck. Crisp air has me walking fast and greatly appreciating the warmth from the coffee mug in my hand. It's dark but I know there are golden hot pink leafs on the trees around me and a smile appears across my face. Fall is a short lived but a beautiful time of year in the Pacific Northwest. I have lived here only 7 year and come from the hot and humid south where there is no fall or spring only perpetual sunny days with widely outrageous thunderstorms. As much as I love the beauty here I don't know that it will ever be enough to get me through the the next months of rain and cold.

It's morning again and I'm sitting in my living room enjoying a hot cup of cinnamon coffee. I'm looking out the window and wondering what kind of day will land before me. I love mornings because of the endless opportunity it brings. I could go for a run or mountain bike with my boyfriend. It looks kind of gloomy out...maybe yoga? I need centering...I need balance. I need a life that is my own. Trapped in this body with a name. My spirit wants to bust out and fly. Fly to Spain to Africa to some unknown land where there is a waterfall that has never been seen by any human body ever before. Limited by this body which moves slowly and when it moves fast only about 8 minutes a mile. Not fast enough to ever get me to the other side of the world and back to bed, my own bed in one day. Humbled by this limited life I live. Humbled by the limits of my brain. Humbled by my life I was born into. This life experience is gift...a slow tough gift. Value it love it treasure it. Give this gift the gift of being awake and alert to all that goes on at every moment. Come home to presents...

Portland Marathon

It's the day after the Portland Marathon and I am almost back to normal. My quads and calf's scream while walking and sitting. My brain has almost forgiven my body for the 04:02 time. I wanted so badly to make it under 4hrs and there are so many factors that go into why I didn't and so many reasons why I should have. But alas something happened around mile 22 and my legs quit and screamed out the words "no." I can't go back and change what has happen but I can learn from what I have been though. The "if only" continues to sing sweet messages of regret and sorrow in between my cute pink ears. It will only be through letting go that I will see the wonders and joy of the life that I seek out. Running a marathon should be enough for the feet of this body. Knock keened and pigeon toed running should not be my calling. I love the challenge of doing something that once sounded like a gift that only few are born with. Certainly not a gift that I would have ever found within me. As I ran yesterday I saw a sign which read the words "dig deep." Those words alone burrow deep within my chest. I saw the words and drank them down. I read the words and knew that they were written for me. I turned inward and reminded myself of what I needed to do in order to grasp the final few miles that were left under my feet. I'm sure it was only a few minutes before my brain had moved on to the next water stop or to the curiosity of the crampers on the side of the road. But it was a good moment and obviously it made a eventual lasting impression. What I learned on the journey of the Portland marathon is that I am my own worst competitor. I fought against myself and in the end let myself down. That sentence should hold no power. I am only one person but it is amazing how the brain can create structure and then expect the world within the body to life up to the standard. Standers which have not been scientifically proven by me or even given logical thought before trying them on. My brain has a tendency to make decisions while in critical performance mode. These decisions will some how win a vote in my head and then before I know it, it's too late and the road I'm on is too far in the wrong direction. But beautifully enough though writing this down I can see the insanity of it all and perhaps forgiveness within my heart is not the direction I should be going. I don't need to forgive myself for running a marathon. I need to love myself for even wanting to put my body though such torture...I love that love is always the answers and I love that no matter how insane my thinking may get I always come to the final conclusion that I need to love and let go.

just a few days away

turning my ears off just for a moment so i can feel what truth may live inside, a day without labels would be a gift from outside. Heart and lungs working never shutting my eyes not even in my sleep. teeth grinding and working. wounds healing scars forgiving and time moving in this quiet place. This dark god loving god giving and grace making place. making room opening up feeling truth realizing now. words try and explain life within my soul. like a bowl of air like a bowl of water movement creates energy. giving time space and creating love.

Portland Marathon

Ran my last few miles with my dog yesterday. Funny how the brain blocks out horrible moments. The minute I started running with him I remembered why it is that I don't run with him. I knew I only had a few miles so I tried to remind myself the run was for the dog and not for me. We got about four blocks from home when Joey, my dog saw a cat. He jerked my arm so hard that I whole body plunged head on into a truck. I am lucky however, as the truck was parked and I did let go of the leash. Joey came right back and I was so mad at him and a little embarrassed seeing as how this was not my parked truck. If only dogs could understand fire in words. As I finished my run I had visions of death in my head. What if Joey had pulled in front of a moving car! Maybe he is not the best running partner. I think we will stick to walks and dog parks.